if only
by closingdoors
Summary: "Kate hums when Castle traces soapy patterns onto her swollen stomach, lets her head fall back onto his shoulder to press a kiss to the wet underside of his jaw as they relax silently in the bath tub." COMPLETE.


**There are probably a few mistakes as I wrote this on my iPad. Warning: Death.**

**Disclaimer: Honestly guys I'm not talented enough to own Castle, I leave that to the very capable hands of AWM.**

* * *

Wisps of her hair escape from her bun, soft and silky curls brushing against her cheeks in the cold winter breeze.

Kate stands apart from the crowd, eyes closing as she wraps her arms around herself in an attempt to hold herself together. It seems like it's working. Fingers clutching onto the last few strands of thread that threaten to rip at the seams.

If she focuses hard enough, she can forget the cold wind sending shivers down her body, the greyness of the sky, the all-black crowds.

If she focuses hard enough, she can change the ending.

* * *

Kate hums when Castle traces soapy patterns onto her swollen stomach, lets her head fall back onto his shoulder to press a kiss to the wet underside of his jaw as they relax silently in the bath tub.

"Feel that?" She murmurs, a hand reaching up to press against his cheek.

Castle's lips quirk and his eyes sparkle in the same excited way they always do. Palm pressed flat against her stomach to feel the kicking of their baby.

"Yeah." He whispers in wonder. "I feel that."

She smiles and nuzzles into his neck, eyes closing to listen to the sound of his reassuring heartbeat even though she has it memorized already. She'll never forget it.

* * *

Castle's happy grin swims into view between her tears as he cradles the newborn in his arms. She reaches up and swipes at the tears with her thumbs, just needing to breathe for a moment. Tries to believe this whole situation is real and happening because she has never felt so happy in her entire lifetime.

"A girl." Castle laughs. "Damn. I guess you get to name her."

"A deal's a deal, Castle." She murmurs between her tears, tired hands reaching out to stroke the button nose of their newborn. She feels her heart fill with more love than she ever thought capable of. "Don't worry, you can name the next one."

Castle's head snaps up and he meets her eyes, waiting for her to take it back. But she doesn't, simply coos over their newborn in his arms.

"Yeah?" He breathes.

She grins. "Yeah."

* * *

"Oh, no, you did not." She says in a stunned disbelief, taking in the sight before her.

Castle stands grinning at the island, hands wrapped around the real pumpkin that their six-month-year-old daughter Johanna is currently sat in, hands clutching the rim of the pumpkin with her feet sticking out of the small holes Castle has carved. Johanna stares at Kate with her blue eyes, something in them that looks like confusion. The poor baby.

"Beckett," Castle whines, "she's so cute! Isn't this the best Halloween costume ever?"

"No." She grinds out, heading towards the kitchen island. "And I am never leaving you at home with her ever again."

"Hey now!" Castle says, rushing around the stand in front of what he's dubbed a masterpiece, palms raised. "Don't make rash decisions. Just look. Take a moment to appreciate the cuteness of the costume."

"Castle. I am currently taking a moment to prevent shooting my daughter's father if he doesn't let me take her out of that damn pumpkin right away."

Castle pouts. "Aw, c'mon, at least let me put her back in it when everyone arrives for the party? You know that even Gates would succumb to her adorableness."

Kate sighs, running a hand through her hair. Her hesitation to answer seems to be a good sign to Castle, who then moves away from the island, allowing her to get a closer look at Johanna in the pumpkin. Her chubby legs kicking freely from the holes, grinning toothlessly at the pair of them. Okay. Maybe it is kind of cute.

"Only when they arrive. She is not staying in that pumpkin all night, Castle."

"Oh, you are the best." He breathes, kissing her soundly.

Johanna gurgles happily in her pumpkin.

* * *

Alexis is playing with Johanna on the floor when it happens.

"Mama!" Johanna cries clearly at seven months old, scooting away from Alexis and towards Kate when she emerges from the study.

Kate is stuck still for a moment, staring with wide eyes at Johanna, the brown-haired blue-eyed baby staring back at her. Oh.

"Oh, baby." She whispers, rushing over to kneel before Johanna. Tears rush to her eyes and she isn't embarrassed to shed them in front of Alexis, who looks just as shocked as Kate feels. "You can talk."

Johanna's hands curl into fists and open again, making grabbing motions towards Kate. She laughs brightly and cuddles her daughter close, amused when Johanna's hands curl around her hair. Kicking legs matching the pace of her beating heart.

* * *

"Momma."

Kate stirs at the small sound in the dark, silent room. Runs a hand across her tired eyes when she raises a head to find a small figure staring up at her, hands curled around the edge of the mattress as Johanna attempts to pull herself up onto the bed. Scrabbling to find purchase, little fists clenching determinedly.

"Jo?" Kate murmurs, voice croaking from sleep. "Hey, how did you get out of your crib, baby?"

Johanna wiggles onto the bed, curling into Kate immediately. "Momma." She sighs contently, hand curling above Kate's heart.

She feels Castle stir beside her, head raising sleepily to stare down at the pair of them in confusing. "Jo?"

The one year old simply burrows into her Mother's chest, jaw going slack as she immediately falls back to sleep.

"She must've climbed out of her crib. She has your stubborn streak, after all." Castle teases with a smile.

Kate smooths a hand through her daughter's hair. "Can't let this become a habit."

"Yeah but... Just for tonight?" Castle asks hopefully, love and tenderness shining from his eyes, a new fatherly softness written in the lines of his face.

"Okay." She murmurs softly. "Just for tonight."

* * *

"Hey! What are you doing here?" She asks when she watches Castle stepping off of the elevator, Johanna flying ahead of him dressed in a white summer dress.

She catches the girl with a smile, hugging her tight. "Came to see you, Mommy!" The two year old cries ecstatically, lisp still evident in her speech.

She pulls the girl up into her lap on the chair as Castle seats himself in his not-so-regular chair beside her desk. It makes her heart ache every time she sees him sat there. Misses when it was an every day thing, not a once a month case. But she understands. They've spoke about it, he'll come back once they've found Johanna a preschool- Unless they have another. Castle wouldn't mind. Actually, she's certain he enjoys being Mr Mom more than he lets on.

Kate wants him back the precinct, beside her. Yet... Some part of her yearns for another product of them and their love, a playmate for Johanna.

"We were just headed off to the park." Castle explains, cutting through her inner thoughts. "I figured you were due a lunch break and you could come with us."

Kate grins, unhesitant. "Sure. Let me go update the boys."

Johanna lets out an excited shriek, crawling into Castle's lap as Kate walks away.

"Hey, guys. I'm gonna take my lunch break." She tells them as she pulls on her coat.  
Ryan and Esposito exchange a hesitant look that makes her stop, staring at them doubtfully. "What is it?"

"Nothing, really, just..." Ryan trails off.

"The guy's still out there... And he wants your blood, Beckett." Ryan shudders.

She rolls her eyes. "Guys. He's a schizophrenic and he escaped the uniform, I get it. I goaded him. But we've got an APB out on him, and his face all over the media. I'll be back in an hour, okay?"

Esposito and Ryan hesitantly agree. She smiles, taking Johanna by the hand as they head out to the park.

(If only she'd listened, if only she'd known).

* * *

"What are you thinking about?" Castle asks as she sits huddled into his side on the park bench, watching Johanna roar with laughter as she plays on the climbing bars.

Kate hums, twisting to look up at him.

"You've got your thinking face on." He explains when she arches an eyebrow at him.

Kate bites her lip, doesn't move her eyes away from his when she says it. "Ready to collect on that boy now?"

Instantly, Castle goes still, arms locking tightly around her. "Kate." He breathes in wonder. "You mean-?"

Before she can answer, there's a loud bang, and suddenly everyone around them is screaming.

Instantly, Kate pushes Castle to the ground, hand whipping her gun from its holster. Her eyes search the playground for Johanna as they land, panic gripping her heart too tightly to breathe.

"Oh God! Oh God!" People are screaming, rushing around, mothers and fathers scooping up their children and fleeing from the scene.

"Kate." Castle chokes, turning his eyes to her when they clamber to stand up

"Oh, God, where is she Castle?" Kate cries, hands trembling.

Castle's eyes are already roaming over the scene, watching adults gather around the climbing frames. Phones clutched to their ears, yells ringing out across the playground.

No.

"No, no, no." Kate says, both her and Castle suddenly sprinting towards the scene, her lungs burning with the exertion.

She catches small snippets of conversation. Ignores them over the sound of her beating heart.

They push through crowds, the hoards of the public gathered to watch, and then, and then-

"JOHANNA!" Kate lets out the blood-curdling scream.

Castle can't even choke out the words.

Their precious daughter lies twitching in the arms of a witness, blood leaking from her chest with glassy eyes staring up at the sky, unseeing.

The witness jumps at the sound of Kate's scream. Immediately passes the child over to her when Kate and Castle both fall to their knees, tears falling steadily. Hands trembling with shock and fear and adrenaline.

"Oh God, Oh God." Kate says as she places her shaking hands to the wound in her daughters chest, struggling to find the strength to stem the bleeding.

She looks up at Castle for help, only finds him cradling their daughters head in his hands. Looking at her for help with his heart in his throat, all the love and unguarded fear spilling from his eyes. Oh, no. Oh no. What are they going to do? What are they going to do?

"Daddy?" Johanna's voice is weak.

Castle startles, looking down at their pale, limp daughter to find her staring at him. His tears drip down onto her cheeks.

"I'm right here, honey. I'm right here."

"Mommy?"

"Jo." Kate chokes, smoothing the blood stained hands through her daughters hair. "I'm right here, baby, both me and daddy are right, here, okay? You're going to be fine, baby. Just fine. You'll see. Okay, baby? Okay?"

But Johanna's eyes are already fluttering closed, little heart stuttering beneath Kate's palms.

"No. Oh, God, baby. No!" Kate cries, barely seeing through the tears.

Castle pushes her hands away and begins compressions, large hands pumping strongly against their daughter's chest. Bring the life back. Bring her back. Kate can do nothing but kneel close by, hovering uselessly, tears streaming down her cheeks as she tries to sort through her panicked mind.

"Where's the damn ambulance?" Castle cries, hands pumping messily in his panicked state.

As he says the words, sirens flare in the distance. Approaching closer. Help is near. But as Kate's head swivels to the sound, relief sitting oddly in her lungs. She all but stops breathing when she sees the man standing just away from the crowd, grinning manically, gun in his hands.

The schizophrenic. Karl Matthews.

"No." Kate growls, standing from the ground and grabbing her gun. She pushes through the startled crowd, leaving Castle and her daughter behind. "No, you BASTARD!" She roars as she storms towards him.

But the man just laughs, no hint of remorse traceable in the lines of his face.

"Kate!" She thinks she hears Castle yell. "Kate, leave it!"

But her gun raises in her hands, aimed towards his skull.

"Rot in hell." She growls.

And then she pulls the trigger.

* * *

Kate feels a finger on her cheek, a soft touch tucking one of her curls behind her ears.

She startles, looking around the discover that everyone is gone. It's over. Her baby is finally gone. Johanna isn't coming back. Never again will she hear her twinkling laughter; never again will she watch the concentration on her face when she coloured between the lines; never again will she come home from a long day at work to the excited and playful Johanna Castle.

It still doesn't feel real. She keeps expecting to feel the little hand of her daughters slipping into her own, to demand a bedtime story from both Kate and Castle.

The only thing that does make it feel real is, if she were to reach inside, Kate's not quite too sure she'd find a heart.

"What do we do now, Castle?" Kate murmurs.

"I don't know, Kate." He answers her quietly. "I don't know."

They stand beside their daughter's grave in the violent wind, waiting for the ground to swallow them whole.


End file.
